Living in Empty Spaces

By Cec Murphey

After the death of my wife, I lived in empty spaces. I had been disconnected from my old life and from the person I loved most. I called it grief, which it was.

But it was something more.

All of us have those times when we can’t go back to the old and we can’t get a secure hold on the new. The tendency is to fill the time with activities and busy-ness. Anything to divert us from living with nothingness.
In the past that was my pattern, and it worked. Eventually I pushed away the artificial changes so I could flow into the new direction of my life.

After Shirley died, I walked through vacant spots and experienced lonely hours. I tried different forms of writing and widened my social connections. But I was aware of the emptiness, and this time I determined not to run from it.

Beyond the tears (and there were many in private), I focused on seeing life differently. I stood at a place I hadn’t been before, and each day I decided not to focus on beautiful memories of our relationship. Instead, I chose the path of intentional loneliness.

When I felt alone and like an alien to myself, I took long, solitary walks. The emptiness passed, and I now see those months as a special time. I learned things about myself— insights I wouldn’t have grasped any other way. My life is richer and fuller for having done that.

I need the emptiness in life
to accept the fullness of life.