Learning to Receive

By Ben Lee

Last spring, I decided to take a job at a local sandwich shop and café a couple blocks up the road from my house. It was the first time that I’d worked for anyone other than myself in over a decade. The changes in pace and culture from being the founder and CEO of a 4-year old tech company were stark to say the least.

As the weeks passed and I settled into my new role, I became fascinated by my interactions with customers from behind the counter, particularly the replies to my question, “How are you doing?” I encountered three common responses. People would seemingly become hard of hearing and proceed to order without acknowledging my question; mutter, “fine” or “busy”; or actually take a moment to think, share, and reciprocate with, “Thank you for asking. How are you?”

I often found myself completely unprepared to return the volley. In fact, there were days where I would forego asking the question because I dreaded the prospect of having to confront how I was really doing.

I was in the midst of a tumultuous divorce, and fighting through my resulting depression, constant need to forgive, self-worth issues, and full-time, single parenthood felt like a never-ending uphill battle. Choosing my two boys over my company was undoubtedly the right decision, one that my team and investors fully understood and supported. Nevertheless, the additional stressors of laying off my team, who had become like family, and the burden of losing hundreds of thousands of dollars of other people’s money nearly buried me. Was God really good? And was I enough?

It was easy and tempting to get lost in busyness and the details of my circumstances. Time and time again, however, I found myself confronted by a very uncomfortable and direct question: Will you accept my goodness?

In Psalm 27:13, David wrote: I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. I’ve often wondered how David maintained his confidence. To me, it’s one thing to believe that you’ll see goodness and another thing entirely to declare that it can and will be witnessed in your lifetime.

The question sucker punched me this fall. It came calling as I lay in the hospital, my leg and foot shattered, elbow severely dislocated. Somehow, miraculously, I had survived what could’ve been a fatal rappelling accident. I used to pray and hope for the goodness of the Lord, and it looked more like raging, crying out until I had no tears left to cry. But as I lay there, immobilized, I started to wonder if it was simpler than that. What if, goodness is a gift? And what if, like any other gift, it comes with a choice—to accept or reject what has been freely laid in front of us?

Upon returning home, I tried to push those possibilities aside. Alas, I had nothing but time—and pain. I needed help with even the smallest and simplest tasks, and I struggled to believe I was worthy of the good things that others wanted to do for my boys and me.

One day, my friend Todd showed up unannounced, offering to wash my swollen, bloody, broken foot. As I let him, something shifted. For the first time, I freely received.

Continuing to do so hasn’t always been easy. At times, choosing to receive goodness is downright terrifying; all the time, it’s breathtakingly exhilarating.

In the process, I’ve discovered something sweeter—God also longs for you to encounter his goodness. Will you let him ambush you with lavish gifts? He’s waiting with arms open wide, and he really cares about how you’re doing.